Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school. “The girls’ whole lives are here, and forcing them to move to a new place and start in at a whole new school just to accommodate our careers doesn’t seem right, especially at their ages,” the first lady said of her daughters Malia, 17, and Sasha, 14, explaining that while Malia has moved more often than her sister and could likely handle another change, Sasha is more sensitive and would have a harder time leaving the group of friends she’s known since the second grade. “Malia graduates next year and Sasha only has four more to go, so we might as well stay right here until they finish up. After that, we’ll be empty nesters and can move into someplace smaller. Unless the girls go to college somewhere nearby, in which case we may just stay put.” The Obamas also added that, given how reliably it has been working for them, they see no need to get rid of their presidential motorcade and purchase a new vehicle for the foreseeable future.

Scarlett Johansson Tries To Keep A Straight Face While Contemplating Life's Big Questions With Colbert

In just the second episode of his show, Stephen Colbert already ditched the standard interview format to ask his guest Scarlett Johansson some deeper questions in a segment called “Big Questions with Even Bigger Stars.” Colbert and Johansson lounge under the starry sky while asking each other questions about life, death, and Oprah.

Where will Colbert move his interviews to next? In a golden meadow? On the deck of a boat? We hope it’s a boat, boats are great!

Spaced' By Simon Pegg, Jessica Hynes & Edgar Wright, Season 2 Of 2

upcoming features and events.

A bit about the editors who will be discussing the series with you:

Carol Hartsell, Comedy Editor
Next to Clint Eastwood and the horse in Winter's Tale -- who could totally kick War Horse's ass by the way -- Daisy is my personal hero. She's completely, awkwardly, shamelessly genuine, and she puts all of today's "adorkable" leading ladies to shame. I originally watched "Spaced" after a friend told me, "It's by the 'Shaun of the Dead' guys!" but I walked away completely in love with the comedic genius of Jessica Hynes (nee Stevenson).

Katla McGlynn, Deputy Comedy Editor
I first saw “Spaced” when I got the DVD box set for Christmas in 2009, and since then it has become one of my all-time favorite shows. The abundant film references, the oh-so-90s clothes and music, and Daisy and Tim’s perfect will-they-or-won’t-they non-relationship are what interest me the most. Let's do this!

Ross Luippold, Associate Comedy Editor
I have never seen "Spaced" before, but I did have an unhealthy obsession with "Star Wars" as a kid -- I'll make bantha poodoo out of you at "Star Wars" Trivial Pursuit -- and I love everything else Edgar Wright has ever done. Also, I love England! And friendship! And liveblogging! Let's do this.

Christine Friar, Associate Comedy Editor
I'm watching the show for the first time, so if you're confused about something or dying to talk about that quote from your favorite character, find me! I'm probably dying too! And let's keep a running list of funny British ways of saying things while we're at it. Here, I'll start: lorry.

Seena Vali, Comedy Intern
I tend to gravitate to comedy that deals with social awkwardness since that's an almost constant aspect of my life. I'm also a big fan of science fiction, comic books and other nerdy stuff like that, so if you want to discuss possible references to "House Of M" #7 that you see, I'm your man.

Animal Facing Extinction In 2003 Fucks Its Way Back

CAMBRIDGE, UNITED KINGDOM—Saying that the species knew it had to start fucking and start fucking fast, officials from the International Union for Conservation of Nature announced Monday that loggerhead turtles—marine reptiles considered critically endangered in 2003—have successfully fucked their way back from the brink of extinction.
“We were gravely concerned that loggerheads would die out by early 2004,” said IUCN director Jennifer Demato, noting that there were estimated to be fewer than 100 of the oceanic turtles left in the world just 10 years ago. “These sea turtles were severely overhunted, millions were caught in fishing lines, and their habitats had been destroyed by ocean pollution. They had a great many obstacles to overcome, but by God, they fucked their way past each and every one of them.”
“The bottom line is that they knew they were in a big hole,” Demato continued. “So, what did they do? They bared down and fucked themselves right out of it.”
According to Demato, the female loggerhead has a relatively low reproductive rate and a mating season of only six weeks, which greatly compounded the species’ risk of extinction. However, Demato told reporters the marine reptiles said screw all of that and began fucking at extraordinary and previously unprecedented rates in an effort to increase their population levels. IUCN officials said the oceanic turtles even abandoned their usual migratory patterns in order to devote every last second to fucking, laying eggs, fucking, laying eggs, and constant, round-the-clock fucking and egg-laying.
By 2007, after fucking like their lives depended on it for four straight years, IUCN officials moved the species from “critically endangered” to “vulnerable.” After another six years of solid, nonstop fucking, the species reportedly blew by “conservation dependent” status and is now labeled as “near threatened.”
Sources confirmed that if members of the species can continue fucking like each one is the last goddamned loggerhead turtle on earth, it could achieve “least concern” status within a year.
“There was a brief period there when it seemed like they just couldn’t fuck anymore and were getting tired of courting prospective mates by constantly producing cloacal pheromones and circling one another,” Demato said. “But just when we thought they couldn’t fuck any more, they dug deep and, with whatever they had left in the tank, began fucking each other’s brains out harder and faster than ever before.”
“After a male fertilized his partner’s eggs, the female would quickly go nest and then immediately return to get fucked all over again,” Demato added. “Truly impressive.”
Due to their rampant fucking, loggerheads have returned in large numbers to their most popular natural habitats along the southeastern coast of the United States, the Mediterranean Sea, and the Indian Ocean. Demato explained that the rare reptiles can be spotted due to their large, reddish-brown shells and the fact that they are constantly fucking one another at every possible moment.

“The loggerheads feel like if they take their feet off the gas, they’ll end up where they started,” Demato said. “If there is any lesson to be learned here, it’s that not only should a species fuck, they should fuck like there’s no tomorrow.”

Child At 9/11 Memorial Service Sternly Reminded We Are Sad Today

MADISON, CT—After several warnings to stop his fidgeting and keep quiet during the town’s 9/11 memorial service, 6-year-old Caleb Goetz was sternly reminded by his mother that today is a sad day, sources confirmed this morning. “Caleb, we’re sad today, so no more goofing around. Got it?” said the boy’s mother, Hannah Goetz, in a sharp whisper, bending down to look the child in his eyes and tell him to stop running his Matchbox car up and down her pant leg and making engine noises with his mouth while the people at the podium were speaking into the microphone. “Do you see all the people’s faces? Everyone’s sad. This is very sad, okay? If you can’t stand still until they finish raising the flag and lighting the candles, then no Legends Of Chima later. You hear me?” In a further effort to keep him from acting out, the boy’s mother then reportedly glared at him for the entire moment of silence.

Weatherman Correctly And Incredibly Pronounces Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllan

Being a TV weatherman is probably pretty boring. After you’ve nailed pointing at places on a green screen that correspond to a map and reporting on a storm in the field, it’s pretty easy coasting. But that doesn’t mean these great folks can’t pull out all the stops once something big does come up.

Sure, that can mean a big storm but in this specific case it means the longest, nastiest, Welsh-ish word you’ve probably ever seen. Liam Dutton, a weatherman for British TV station Channel 4 News,however, tackled and successfully pronounced Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, which by the way is going to have nice but slightly chilly day. Good job, Liam. Add this skill to your resume because it’s cool and sets you apart from everyone else on earth.

Serena Williams Completely Dismisses A Reporter Who Asked Her To Smile

La-la-la-laaadddiiesss! You know how it’s arguably the worst when you’re walking the street and a person tells you to smile and the very thought of that is hilariously insulting because literally all you are thinking about is where the nearest bathroom is because you have change your tampon and poop? Or how it’s just insane people are telling you to smile because you would never look at someone and tell them to frown, or cross their eyes, or do a little dance? You would maybe do that to a dog, but even then you give the dog a treat and so far none of the dudes hollering are offering treats that are appealing and that aren’t their dick.
Anyways, la-la-la-ladies, Tuesday night one of us, nay the best one of us, Serena Williams, experienced such an assault after she beat her younger sister, Venus, at the US Open, advancing her to the semifinals. An Italian reporter asked why she wasn’t smiling or laughing after she won a game and she charitably offered him an explanation, which is something she did not have to do.
Watch the interaction here and feel free to smile or frown or whatever the fuck you want while you do so. But do skip to 5:15 in the video to hear the reporter (quietly) ask Serena the question and 5:32 for Serena owning him.

Hillary Clinton Shows Her Funny Side With These Hilarious Memes

Hillary Clinton’s strategists recently proclaimed that Hillary would be showing more “humor and heart” on the campaign trail. What better way to do that than with some hilarious internet memes?

 

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Flower Girl Quits At The Worst Possible Moment, And It’s Adorably Funny.

Aside from catching the first glimpse of the bride and groom at a wedding, also watching young children participate in the procession adds to the eager anticipation. The guests are treated to a show and wowed with the cuteness factor which is always off the charts. Before youngsters take a walk down the aisle, they are usually given careful instructions, a pep talk to maintain a level of confidence and probably a quick prayer that the 30 second stroll will be uneventful.

At this particular wedding, the flower girl decides she doesn't want to scatter petals. Her very patient and encouraging dad tries to change her mind but to no avail. Watch what the dad does next to ensure the wedding goes on without a hitch.

All She Wants Is A Kiss, But Her Dog Is Emotionally Unavailable… LOL.

It's always nice to get a kiss hello or goodbye, especially when it's from your favorite furry friend. However, when this women left her house, she didn't get the sugar she deserved. For whatever reason, this dog just wasn't having it - and what the dog does is totally hilarious.

The look on that dog's face tells us that its human did something to deserve this. Let's just hope that the dog doesn't give her the cold shoulder for too long.

Tom Cruise Faces Off In A Lip Sync Battle With Jimmy Fallon… And He Does The Impossible.

It’s been awhile since we’ve seen Tom Cruise, but now he’s back and ready to start promoting the newest installment in the Mission Impossible franchise: Rogue Nation. Something tells us that this lip sync battle wasn’t part of his promotional contract – but we’re glad he did it anyway.

And, in typical Tom Cruise fashion, he’d didn’t just lip sync these songs : He lip sync’d the hell out of them. Though viewers may have started off skeptical, Tom Cruise gave it his all and jam-packed his performance with a whole lot of energy and a little bit of crazy. Watch the highly entertaining video below.

This Hilarious Deer Makes The Weirdest Noise You’ll EVER Hear… I Can’t Stop Laughing.

When Jason Doornick and his friends visited a deer park in Nara, Japan, they were greeted by a deer who looked cute enough, but turned out to have a little bit too much on his mind.

"We noticed this lone deer making strange whining sounds and thought it was pretty funny. But we could not have prepared ourselves for what happened next," wrote Doornick on his YouTube page.

We won't spoil it for you, but we will tell you one thing: This deer makes the exact same sound you make when it's time to get out of bed on Monday morning.

This Dog Thinks Nobody’s Watching, His Reaction At 0:09 Is Priceless.

We’ve all gotten caught in the middle of something embarrassing. Maybe you accidentally farted in math class, or maybe your coworker saw you picking your nose. Being embarrassed is part of being human – it’s how you react to that embarrassment that sets you apart.

This sneaky dog thought he was all alone, enjoying his daily private scratching of his hind quarters. When he realizes that someone’s watching his reaction is totally priceless – and what he does next should inspire you the next time you get caught doing what he’s doing.

These Goats Having Fun Balancing Are Disgustingly Adorable. We Warned You.

In addition to their terrifyingly humanoid screams, goats are known for having really awesome balance. After all, their natural habitats usually consist of some kind of sloped mountainside - to exist in that environment, you've got to be quick on your feet (and have really great core strength).

The goats in this video are on flat land, but have been given a delightful wobbling arch apparatus to play on. According to the uploader, the goat named Bob is a total spoilsport. After you watch, you won't have any trouble figuring out who Bob is.

This Adorable Baby LOVES Storytime, But Watch His Reaction When Mom Says ‘The End.’

Reading to kids from an early age is a great way to begin a lifelong love of literature. Dan and Alicia Stevens seem to have a little bookworm in their family. Their 10-month-old son Emmett, loves being read to so much that he finds the end of a story absolutely heartbreaking. All his mom has to say is, “the end,” for Emmett to burst into tears.

The adorable baby will even push the book back to his mom for her to read it again. Let’s just hope Emmett never loses his love of reading.

A Gentleman’s Guide To Sleeping With Another Gentleman’s Wife

When sleeping with your wife, it is imperative to maintain certain

 societal standards. The same rules apply when sleeping with 

the wife of a fellow gentleman.

1

By keeping your eyes open at social functions and reputable

 soirees, locate the married woman you most desire to sleep

 with in a secretive manner.

2

Introduce yourself to the woman and let it be known

 through heavy flirtation, arm touching, and eyebrow

 raising that you are interested in the ultimate transgression. 

 3

Send the woman a formal request to engage in an affair 

via handwritten letter, candy gram, or tasteful dick pic. 

4

Have your secretary inform the woman’s gentleman-husband

 that you are sleeping with his wife and request that he not be

 present for the intercourse. 

5

If he inquires about the availability of your own wife, let him

 know if she is currently seeing any other gentlemen, and 

if she has an adequate schedule to participate in an affair

 of her own. 

6

Meet the woman and her servant at a prearranged location,

 often a hotel. 

7

Have your servants undress you in front of each other, placing

 your clothes neatly on the hotel bed. Take a moment to stare

 at each other’s naked bodies, taking in the sight of the 

forbidden flesh. 

8

Consume an alcoholic beverage, so as to either lessen or

 heighten any remaining feelings of guilt. 

9

Using an abrasive pumice stone, have your servants vigorously

 scrub you and the woman’s skin, ensuring any and all lingering

 skin flakes of married partners has been removed. 

10

Inform servants they may retire to the hotel bathroom until

 you have completed your act of indiscretion. 

11

Stand atop the bed. Hold each other’s hands and say,

 “We shall now engage in a sexual act of indecency.

 May our bodies be free and our hearts intoxicated

 in the spirit of betrayal.” 

12

Screw like vodka-addled rabbits. 

13

Smoke a cigarette. Call your wife and ask her if she needs

 anything from the grocery store. She will understand 

this to mean you have just ejaculated into the vagina 

of another woman, and she should not expect sexual 

intercourse for the next ten hours. 

14

Instruct your servant to call the front desk and have 

the maids informed that sexual fluids have been 

released upon the mattress. 

15

If you wish to continue the affair, have your secretary 

let the woman know in a detailed sexual message, 

highlighting future acts you would enjoy completing 

with her as well as emphasizing how much you

 enjoyed her company. 

16

Return to work and remind your servant that if he or 

she says anything they are fired and you will ruin them. 

Obama: "I Used A Selfie Stick. Am I A Cool Dad?

                 President Obama and his selfie stick, just chillin’ like cool people do.

While on a tour of Alaska in an effort to bring attention to U.S. climate change policy, President Barack Obama used a selfie stick to take pictures of himself in the Alaskan wilderness. Why is Obama using a selfie stick when he is followed by press photographers or could presumably ask a staffer to take his picture? This letter that Obama sent to his daughters Malia and Sasha reveals why — he wants for them to think he’s a cool dad.

Dear Malia and Sasha,

As you know, I have recently been on a business trip to Alaska to push forward my climate-change policy. The folks here are nice. I met some bears and a guy named Bear. I caught a salmon with my bare hands, and that salmon sprayed semen on my shoes. I pity the White House intern who had to deal with that mess!

But the highlight of my trip was that I got to use a selfie stick. I am writing you to let you know that I am a cool dad, and I am hip to the technologies of today.

Now, let me be clear. I know you two don’t often think of me as a cool guy. I embarrassed you at the turkey pardoning last year. I still use a BlackBerry, or as Malia calls it, my “dinosaur.” I wear dad jeans. Let’s face it, I wear dad everything. You girls would have a field day making fun of this jacket I’m wearing if you were here in Alaska. But I feel like something has shifted with my use of this selfie stick.

Today, I became the first American president to use a selfie stick. Together, the good folks of Alaska and I made history. I think that’s pretty great for the American people, and it’s also pretty great for me, because it shows both of you that I am cool.

Before I used a selfie stick, I asked my staff to brief me on the implications of using one. From that, I learned that a lot of folks don’t like selfie sticks. They have a tendency to poke people in the face. They reinforce our narcissistic culture. Make no mistake, I took these issues into deep consideration, as it seems that selfie sticks are a bipartisan issue.

But, look, the notion that selfie sticks are bad is wrong. They serve a purpose: to take a picture of yourself when your arm isn’t long enough and no one else will take the picture for you. How else would I get myself and all this Alaskan wildlife into one photo? Sure, I could have just asked the press for a copy of a photo or one of my hundred of staffers to take a photo. But it wouldn’t be the same. The photo would be too professional, when I wanted something authentic. It’s plain common sense.

Moving forward, I will be transitioning to using more selfie sticks. It’s the right thing to do. When your mom and I go out to a fancy dinner and Broadway show on our one night out a year, you can bet that I’ll be sending you two a text with a photo that I took using a selfie stick. When we all go on family vacation to Hawaii next summer, I will snap a pic using my selfie stick while we’re out on a boat. Malia, you can even post that pic on Instagram if you like, with #prezselfiestick or #obamaselfiestick or some other cool hashtag.

Amaaaazing grace. How sweet the sound. That saved a wretch like meeeeee …

     I’m not in this one, but I took it with my selfie stick. The American people should know that you can also use selfie sticks to take pictures that are not selfies.

5 Best GIFs Of All Time Of The Week

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Sesame Street’ Recreates That Deli Scene From 'When Harry Met Sally

It’s been just a couple weeks, or in Internet-time about 18 years, since all the jokesters on the web made their little web jokes about Sesame Street getting into more risqué content now that it’s gonna be on HBO. Will that actually happen? It’s kind of doubtful, but that’s what the Internet is for sometimes, making jokes about things that aren’t real!

With this parody of When Harry Met Sally’s infamous deli scene, though, Sesame Street takes some pretty sexy source material and turns it into a nice lesson on waiting your turn. And if we’re being honest? It’s also a pretty nice lesson on parodying infamous deli scenes. Check out “When Cookie Met Sally” below:

Women in the NFL: Josina Anderson, Emmy-Award Winning ESPN Reporter

There are more women holding prominent positions in sports today than ever before — from the sidelines to the negotiating table. Get to know Josina Anderson in her interview with Levo below, and let her inspire you to tackle new challenges in your own career.
Name: Josina Anderson
Job: Reporter at ESPN
City: Chicago
A former track and field sprinter at the University of North Carolina, where she earned a degree in exercise and sports science, Anderson was chock full of journalism internship experience before breaking into the big leagues. But instead of becoming a frustrated intern, Anderson became a real student of the business. When her name was called, she was ready. She landed her first post-college job at the CBS affiliate in Coos Bay, Ore., as a sports anchor/reporter in 2000. "I was one of the few people to graduate and go right into a TV job without having to wait," Anderson recalled.
Ever the hungry strategist, Anderson eyed her next move. But it wasn’t easy. She explained: "I had sent out so many tapes and resumes. I kept coming in second or third for jobs I wanted. One day I had an epiphany. I thought, 'I'm waiting for these people to say yes to me, but I have to say yes to myself.' After a year in Oregon, I left even though I didn't have another job lined up. I went where I wanted to go, which was home. I told myself, I'll make it happen."
When Anderson returned to D.C., she was back on the grind. To make ends meet, she lived at home and slept on her parents' couch. And she used her track background to work as a personal trainer. "I had my clients come to the track and I would charge anywhere from $50 to $100 an hour to train them,” she said. "Then I'd be a reporter at night."
In 2003, Anderson auditioned for a job at FOX 31 in Denver. She didn't get it, but two years later the station called Anderson with an offer and she took it. For six years Anderson was a weekend sports co-anchor, reporter, and producer in the Mile-High city. She also reported for Showtime’s Inside the NFL program during her final year at FOX 31. "ESPN saw me on that show and I was breaking a lot of news out of Denver," she said. "That's what led me to my job at ESPN in 2011."
Levo: Football season is kicking off. What does that entail for you in terms of your schedule and responsibilities?
Josina Anderson: I handle midweek assignments for SportsCenter, which includes previewing a game that I will cover that week, and I work for Sunday NFL Countdown, a pregame show. After the game I’m covering is over, I do post-game coverage. Then the week kind of repeats itself. I also break NFL news and do sit-down interviews. Starting this season, I’ll be on ESPN’s NFL Insiders at least once a week.
The road hasn't always been smooth for you. What has been your biggest professional obstacle?
JA: When I left Oregon, I didn’t think it would take me four years to get back to an affiliate station. It was frustrating. I told myself, If I don’t get a job at an affiliate before the end of my fourth year in D.C., I’m going to leave television and go into sports psychology. Then one Sunday, as I’m leaving church, a woman drives up beside me while I was walking to my car. She got out of her car and delivered a message. She said, "God told me to tell you that your job is coming." I had never seen this woman before. She got back in her car and drove off. Six months later, I was in the gym, stretching out my client’s hamstrings when I got the call from FOX in Denver. Pay attention to signs that reaffirm that you are on your path. It may take a long time to get to where you want to go. Stick with it. Just when you think you’re done with your dream, it can come true.
Being on television every week is huge, but what has been your career-defining moment?
JA: When I was in Denver [in 2006], I got a call from a source about Ricky Williams, a premiere running back with the Miami Dolphins. I learned that he was going to be suspended for a year after testing positive for marijuana use. I gave that story to my station, but because the story was Miami based it wasn’t a priority. I think it was the second-to-last story we aired during that hour. I knew it was a big story though. Then the sports director of the Miami Herald verified the news. He put a blurb about it in the paper and gave me credit. ESPN called me to put me on their morning show, Cold Pizza, to talk about the suspension. The story just blew up from there. I saw what that little piece of news did. I really started dedicating myself to being an insider and cultivating sources.
What advice would you give young women who want to work in the NFL?
JA: Information is your biggest commodity. If you have the information, the connections, and the access, then you'll be employed. There are men who don’t look like GQ cover boys and there are women who don't look like runway models on TV. But because they have the information, they are successful. Looks fade. Information is valuable. Think of it like a touchdown. And it's not about recycling information that is already out there. For me, my goal is to give you information that you aren’t going to get anywhere else.

Why Evangeline Lilly Couldn't Try On Her Wasp Costume

Hope Van Dyne was instrumental in training Scott Lang and helping defeat Darren Cross, a.k.a. Yellowjacket, in Ant-Man, but unlike Scott, she never got to put on a superhero costume in the film. Despite repeatedly requesting her father to give her a shot at wearing the shrinking suit, Hank Pym refused in order to keep her safe. Fortunately, in the mid-credits scene, he changed his mind and revealed a new Wasp suit that was made specifically for her. This confirmed that Marvel is planning to have Hope inherit the Wasp legacy from her mother Janet, but oddly enough, Evangeline Lilly hasn’t actually worn the costume yet.

During a Facebook Q&A on Monday, Lilly revealed that she was scanned for the Wasp suit during production on Ant-Man. However, she got pregnant before she could put on the suit and still hasn’t had the opportunity to try it on for size and take it out for a spin. Since there’s no word yet on when we’ll see Hope in the MCU next, it may be a while until Lilly gets the opportunity to put the costume, but maybe Marvel will check back with her at some point to make sure the measurements are still accurate.

Although Hope didn’t get to become The Wasp in Ant-Man, we did get a little Wasp action in a flashback to Hank and Janet’s last mission together. Janet shrunk herself smaller than ever before in order to disarm a Soviet missile heading for the United States, and while she was successful, she inadvertently kept shrinking and was subsequently lost to the Quantum Realm. Fearful of losing his daughter, this is why Hank wouldn’t let Hope don the Ant-Man suit, but after seeing her help Scott stop Cross, he showed her the advanced Wasp suit he had been developing with Janet before her "death." Hank says he believed the suit was for his wife, but eventually realized that they had been designing it for is daughter. Needless to say she was pleased with this, responding, "It’s about damn time!"

As for when we’ll see Hope become The Wasp, that still remains a mystery, although Marvel president Kevin Feige has already ruled out an appearance in Captain America: Civil War. The logical answer would be Ant-Man 2, but Marvel hasn’t announced when, or even if they’ll make that. Another possibility may be that Hope will make her superhero debut in one of the Avengers: Infinity War movies, since that is expected to feature most of the major Marvel heroes going up against Thanos. We’ll keep you apprised on any development regarding Hope’s future as Wasp, but this is one superhero that many Marvel fans would like to see sooner rather than later.

Fearless Teens Climb 600ft TV Tower

Puppy Attack !

Welcome Back, Students! An Open Letter From The Cool Substitute

Yo dudes!
Now I know what you’re thinking: A teacher that says “yo”?! A teacher that says “dudes”?! Well believe it, brohams! It’s me — THE COOL SUBSTITUTE!
Right now you’re like, “Whoa! Mr. Mitchell seems pretty cool!” You’re half right. YES, I’m pretty cool but my name’s NOT Mr. Mitchell. It’s Jason. Cause I’m just one of you guys!! I mean look how I’m sitting in my chair right now! It’s totally backwards! And my hair! It’s like the hair from some cool horse! Brace yourselves ’cause we will not be having a normal teacher-student relationship. It creates a caste system and we’re all equals here.
Before we get started, I just wanted to take a minute to quickly remind you that there are NO RULES in my class. But you probably already guessed that since I’m wearing jeans. Yeah, that’s right. Do your other teachers wear jeans?! Didn’t think so. You’re like, “HOW DID WE GET SO LUCKY THAT OUR REGULAR TEACHER, MRS. WHALEN, GOT MONO?!” And I don’t know, guys! All I know is that if any of you need to use the bathroom, you can just get up and go. No need to ask permission or get a pass or anything. Let the other teachers worry about that. I’ll be too busy ignoring the syllabus and sharing all the life advice I’ve gathered over time. I’m 27 now, which is older but not like too much older. Sure, we’ll study the words of Shakespeare but we’ll also study the words of … Dave Matthews?! Musicians are poets, too, guys.
Let’s get down to brass tacks. If I’m substituting on a test day — rip that fuckin’ test in half. (Wait, did Jason just say “fuck”?! FUCK YEAH HE DID.) I want you to tell me the grade you DESERVE. I can’t promise your regular teacher, Mrs. Whalen, will allow you to keep that grade when she returns but that’s a me problem not a you problem. And maybe if we’re lucky that mono will get worse, she’ll die, and I can stay forever! All YOU need to worry about is how you’re gonna spread the word about what a great, cool teacher I am. (I suggest Facebook, which you’re all totally allowed to add me on.)
“WHY IS HE SO COOL?!” you’re frantically texting all your friends right now. Well the short answer is high school was terrible for me and I’m doing anything I can do relive those years as someone with some social standing. I desperately, desperately want to be liked. I was a measly little worm who girls didn’t pay attention to and I always smelled of cum ’cause I always just finished jerking off. The long answer is that same exact thing but with the added information of I’m a very lonely adult.

For these reasons, I’ll be probably be a little flirty with the more popular, attractive students. I never got away with this when I was in high school so please just indulge me. Nothing too weird — mostly light shoulder massage-y stuff. Maybe some neck kissing. (Again, you’re allowed to rip up your tests and choose your own grades so putting up with this sort of behavior is the least you can do.)
Right now you’re probably wondering if I’ll also be showing up to your high school parties. The answer is, yes, frequently. I’m only nine years older so it’s not weird or anything. I’ll even buy for you guys and drive some of you prettier ladies home. Do you know another teacher who’d be willing to do something like that?! Didn’t think so! (Heads up, I’ll be bringing a few of my buddies to these, too.)
Umm … so yeah. That’s what you guys have to look forward to this fall. Let’s agree to make this the best year ever and, if any of you guys are narcs, please come forward now.
Love,
Jason Mitchell
The Cool Substitute Teacher

Kim Davis: Look At Her. There's No Way This Woman Doesn't Love Horses

This woman ADORES horses. How could she not?

There she is — Kim Davis. The county clerk from Kentucky who says she was called upon by God to deny gay people the right to marry. But just for a moment, let’s forget about how incredibly wrong it is for a person in a public, elected position in the United States of America to let her personal religious beliefs interfere with state matters — not to mention her clearly selfish desire to bring national attention to herself, dogma aside. And let’s also ignore the fact that Kim Davis has herself been divorced three times, which doesn’t exactly make her an authority on marriage of any kind. Instead, look at the above photos and really take in her whole visage, all with just one thing in mind:
There is no way that this woman doesn’t absolutely adore horses.
Just look at her! The extremely long hair, the jumper-style, ankle-length dress, the look of terror when confronted by the world beyond her sad little fiefdom — how can you not imagine a huge, sparkly poster of a triumphant, chestnut stallion hanging above her bed; across the room, her shelves chock-full of horse figurines of all kinds? And before you perverts out there assume we’re talking about “loving horses” in some bestial, sexual sense, that’s not what we’re saying AT ALL. No, we simply mean she has that shy, emotionally-stunted love for horses, much like that girl you went to high school with who was waaaay too into horses for waaaaay too long.
It totally makes sense, doesn’t it? Horses are safe. Horses don’t judge or put a bunch of pressure on you to deal with things you might not be comfortable with. And channeling one’s energy into horses is the perfect sublimation of one’s totally unexplored libido that can also be squelched by denying gay people their constitutionally protected rights. In other words, horses are the platonic ideal; in Kim’s mind, much as in a lonely adolescent’s mind, they’re the pinnacle of aesthetic beauty without the threat of penetration or of having to explore one’s own desires and deeply repressed sexuality, whatever its manifestation may be, much in the way young Leonardo DiCaprio was used as a similar outlet for prepubescent girls in the early ‘90s.